What It’s Like to Like Yourself When You’re Dating As a Fat Woman (That Dates Men) and the BS You Have to Put Up With

Liking yourself is hard. For anyone. But it’s way harder when you’re a fat woman. And before you start, I’ve heard it all. “Skinny girls get self conscious, too!” “All women are taught to dislike their bodies!”

The difference is that fat women live in a body that is not just disliked, but hated, by society. You get looks, you get pity, you get straight up disgust. If at this point you’re thinking, “oh, but fat women are fat because they let themselves be fat,” – no. This is not a space for that. Go away.

All of the fat women I know were taught to hate themselves since they were children. While other girls were told they’re cute and adorable, we got comments from our aunts and appointments with nutritionists instead. As our friends grow up and shed their extra pounds, but we stay fat, the dislike and disgust becomes palpable. How dare you be a fat adult woman after growing up in a world where everything you read, watch, and listen to tells you that you should be thin, svelte, and, if possible, “ethereal.”

So, yes. It’s hard work to like yourself as a fat woman. It takes a lot of time, therapy, and unconditional love (if we’re lucky enough to have it), to get to a point where you actually like yourself, with no asterisks.

Once you get to that point, though, it’s incredibly freeing. God, it feels good. You get to walk around feeling like you don’t need to hide as you live life truly not giving a fuck about the look that guy at Starbucks gave you. And once you’re there, this feeling can open that tiny, little Harry-Potter-sized-closet door to putting yourself out there for dating. After a couple of glasses of wine, you’ll set up the dating profile your friends have been telling you to set up for years now, and start swiping. It feels good to match with a dude you think is cute, even if you know he’s just trying to get into your pants.

You’ll go on a few dates that won’t work out, like everyone else. You’ll keep swiping and meeting cute, dumb, horny, funny dudes and you’ll keep at it to see what happens. In this process, you’ll learn a bunch of stuff about yourself, and it’ll feel good to date like everyone else.

But then you’ll come across a guy who says something you don’t really like. You realize you don’t have to put up with his sleazy comment, so it’s time to tell him that you’re not interested or that what he said wasn’t cool.

Well, that’s apparently not acceptable.

Men will call you every single thing you’ve avoided your whole life if you reject them. Fat bitch, dumb bitch, stupid bitch, whale, cow, pig, Pillsbury Doughboy. Yes, I was indeed once called Pillsbury Doughboy. Honestly, points for creativity?

These men make it abundantly clear that they think you should be grateful that they took a second out of their day to talk to you. Rejection from a fat woman? Nope, unacceptable. So instead of taking it on the chin and moving on, they spew all sorts of insults to try to knock you down. And honestly, sometimes it works for a bit. It hurts to actually be called the words you see in people’s eyes when you’re walking down the plane aisle to sit next to them.

And there is a lot of shit to put up with. There is an endless mountain of men on dating apps who cannot tolerate rejection from a fat woman. They’re allowed to reject you, but you can’t reject them.

These men will try their absolute hardest to make you not like yourself. They’ll try to make you feel as bad as you’ve made them feel because they aren’t real grown ups who can take polite and honest rejection (which frankly, is always for everyone’s benefit, because do they really want to be with someone who doesn’t like them?) They’ll try to undo all that work you did to like yourself, because they don’t like it that you do.

But you know what?

Reject them, and let them kick around like little toddlers, because at the end of the day, their fatphobia does not need to belong to you. The work you’ve done to like yourself doesn’t go away with a few mean messages. They can’t take that away from you. Like it or not, your love for yourself and your body are a revolution.